So yeah... a long time ago, on a blog far far away, I posed what proved to be some rather pertinent questions - and then made the most incredible horlicks of providing the right answers to them. Now we know the full horror of the results however, I can probably answer them more sensibly. In no particular order...
SWITZERLAND - will Europe be back from the loo before she starts going "lalalalala"?
No, apparently not.
ESTONIA - a cutesy, slight change of pace, but is it an interesting composition or 3 different songs gaffer-taped together?
Juries seemed to be a bit keener on it than televoters, but still not too enthusiastic.
SPAIN - is it the party song that gets everyone going, or just a piece of airy fluff in Foreign?
Both, as it turns out. But more the second bit than the first.
HUNGARY - the first uptempo stomper of the night, but can she pull it off and is it too early for her?
Juries and televoters both fairly unconvinced, and with the combined being less than the sum of the parts, it seems that even the bits that were convinced didn't have the decency to be in the same places.
FINLAND - can it make an impact as a show opener?
No, it can't. A comfy 3rd in the televoting in semi 1, dropped to 9th of the 10 semi 1 qualifiers in the final. I think after the last few years' results, we can now say with certainty that if you're sent out 1st in the Saturday show, you're dead in the water.
ICELAND - quite capable of playing to both constituencies, but is there enough in the song to carry it home?
Not so much, no. But it did alright, Sjonni's had his moment, and I dare say that Iceland will indulge Europe next year by sending Yohanna on the longest Eurovision journey ever.
LITHUANIA - is there more to her qualification than just the great draw and contrast it had on Tuesday?
Yes and no. More to do with the fact that it attracted juries like flies in the semi, so much so that it actually WON on the jury scoreboard. Televoters weren't overly impressed, in general, except where they were Lithuanian. See also Ha Dias Assim.
AUSTRIA - amazing presentation and performance, but is the underlying song good enough?
Yes it was. And no it wasn't. Juries swooned at the stagecraft, televoters went "meh".
ROMANIA - is there a market for a simple old-fashioned happy-clappy singalong pop song?
There is. It's just that it's not a very significant one. Me, pretty much.
RUSSIA - are we overlooking this one at our peril?
If we were televoters, then yes. What we've now learned is that a sufficiently contemptuous jury can kill even the unkillable. And that Team Sparrow didn't bribe them.
FRANCE - the song's a jury magnet, he's a televote magnet... or are they?
Oh, that nasty, spiky little "...or are they?". No, they weren't. Too professional by half and not nearly professional enough, all wrapped up in one great big empty parcel.
SERBIA - is retro in or out at the moment?
Difficult to be sure. Ask again in a year's time. More respected by juries than televoters, but not a lot to choose.
SLOVENIA - are they and Austria fighting each other to a standstill?
Quite right to put them both in the same bucket; both top 5 with juries and bottom 4 in the public vote. Perhaps the difference between jurors being able to say "These are both great!" and the public vote splitting down the middle for the pair of them?
MOLDOVA - will juries like this enough to supplement the Zdob si Zdub fanbase and the ESC bonkers vote?
Pretty much yes - not really enough to drop it or promote it from the "bonkers vote" position.
UNITED KINGDOM - is this as good as it should be?
Juries said "NO" and must have turned a lot of televoting 8s and 10s into 3s and 4s. Televoters and juries were both wrong and stupid in opposite directions IMHO, so I'll cheerfully accept 11th.
GERMANY - does it actually matter that Lena's already won this thing once?
I honestly don't know. I think it finished below its merit position, and juries and public were pretty much in agreement about where it should finish. Maybe it's just me!
GEORGIA - fishing alone in the noise-rock pond, but just like Greece - has that pond got any fish in it?
No, I think it's just got Georgians in it. Much preferred by televoters.
IRELAND - tweenie televotes all over the continent, but will the music professionals be impressed?
More impressed than the tweenies were, as it turned out. Who saw THAT coming?
GREECE - fishing alone in the Balkan ethno-pond this year - but are there any fish in that pond?
Televoters utterly loved it, to the point where it might well have ended up topping the poll from a late draw as it did in the semi. Jurors not nearly so impressed.
BOSNIA - can bank a sizable televote all over the Balkans and central Europe, but will the juries agree?
The juries only agreed in the Balkans and central Europe, it appears. Would have been a massive shock semi-final casualty behind Belgium (BELGIUM!!!), Slovakia and Ireland if only juries had been asked.
DENMARK - is there a limit on how many men can play midtempo guitars before fatigue sets in?
Possibly. More to the point is the difference between being drawn 3rd in the final and 18th in the semi when you're trying to impress a televoter. Juries kept the faith, and unlike Slovenia and Austria, were able to steer it to a top position against the public's wishes.
UKRAINE - the song's almost certainly not up to scratch, but is Europe willing to vote for some arresting artwork?
Yes, yes Europe is. The one slow song that was clearly higher in the public ranking than in the juries', and it's either because it's Ukraine or because of the sand.
SWEDEN - tweenie televotes all over the continent, but will the music professionals be impressed?
Impressed enough to let it do well, unimpressed enough to kill a genuine winning chance stone dead. Maybe if he'd been confident in the glass on Friday night...
ITALY - surely the professionals are going to love this, but will Europe en masse get it?
This is clearly the most perceptive question that has ever been asked in the history of blogging, and I shall merely sit back and luxuriate in the brilliance of what a brilliant question it was. And ignore the fact that I made a total horlicks of answering it correctly.
AZERBAIJAN - does chemistry matter?
I still don't know. I guess that if that was the only argument I could find against it, I should have realised that no-one else was going to find a solid argument either. Unconvincingly strong on both scoreboards, clearly the best of the bunch, but it was such a mediocre bunch...
Anything else you've noticed on them separated scoreboards that needs bringing to our attention? I'm particularly delighted by the quirky semi 1 split, which shows Greece and San Marino as a very conclusive top and bottom on the public scorecards - and tied for 8th with the juries!