Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Your favourite song - it's not going to win, you know...

Each new year we Eurovision fans grump and whine over which song is going to win, and how person A is stupid to like song B ahead of singer C - but we're all fools.

I've been making a close analysis of this year's songs, and I've come to the conclusion that not a single one of them is going to win the thing. And here's why...

Albania - Because when she gets to that moment when her voice goes all high and shrill, head around Europe will begin to pop like some scene from Scanners.

Armenia - Because they're not in it, silly.

Austria - Tee hee, the commentator said a bad word. Why's the screen's gone black, mummy?

Azerbaijan - Because they appear to have taken their foot off the pedal now they've won one.

Belarus - Because a freak electric shock will bring their excessive mic stands to life, and they'll transform into a giant robot, crushing the smart-haired boys like mere berries beneath its metallic feet.

Belgium - There's some song that are nice enough but that you just know aren't going to win. Lovely Iris is at the start of that queue.

Bosnia & Herzegovina - Too bonkers to be vote-winning, not bonkers enough to be likeable.

Bulgaria - because although chalga is one of Europe's great pop musics, there's only about 600 people who actually like it, and they all live in Bulgaria.

Croatia - a song so dull that even the singer can't immediately bring it to mind.

Cyprus - Because her rattly, 90 fags a day Phylis Pearce voice will tear the TV speaker cones of a continent.

Denmark - A classic case of a dreary song given a fantastic visual treatment. But who the heck could sing along to it?

Estonia - Because the song's title will immediately remind the viewing folks that they've got some beers in the fridge, and they'll miss the ncie bit at the end.

Finland - When was the last time a cello won anything? They don't even win cello contests.

France - It all depends which of the four songs they've glued this year strikes the biggest chord with the punters back home.

Macedonia - Because that moment three quarters of the way through when she gives out that impossibly high sonic burst will alert all the sturgeons in the Caspian Sea to make a beeline for the Crystal Hall, leaping to their deaths and flapping about on the promentary concourse so much that the fish-flavoured vibration will cause the still-wet foundations of this massive edifice to sing into the lake. It'll be a dreadful scene.

Georgia - Because he's so much of a joker that he hid in Engelbert's wardrobe, all set to jump out on the frail pensioner and scare the wits out of him. Unfortunately he didn't realise that he couldn't open the door from the inside, and when The Hump's management decided that the room wasn't big enough for their stellar star they moved elsewhere, leaving our errant Georgian star trapped down a lonely corridor with no way out. He'll be terribly hungry by now, I'd expect...

Germany - Man up, Germany. Go the whole hog and send Cullum himself. Then we'd really have something to hate.

Greece - Because the law of diminishing returns is sending down an enforcer with a warrant for her arrest as we speak.

Hungary - Every year has a perfectly good song that comes last completely by accident. *hint*

Iceland - What, with that god awful sixth form poetry of an English translation on board?

Ireland - Because they'll still be back in the hotel, trying to hide their newly bought rabbits from the cleaners.

Israel - What, a song this good and vaguely credible win Eurovision? You're having a giraffe!

Italy - (All together now) because Amy Winehouse wants her song back,

Latvia - It's shit.

Lithuania - Step just a little bit forward, Mr Montell. Bit more. A couple more paces. Perfect...

Malta - Because nice boys never get the girl.

Moldova - All of Europe will see his quirky little horse riding stunt as something considerably less innocent and will be on the blower to customer services for a good complain.

Montenegro - To be honest, he's not arsed whether you like him or not. Good man!

The Netherlands - Because the collected tribes of the American nations are set to picket her dressing room.

Norway - He's only a sniff and a hop away from his native Iran, and lure of the city of his birth will prove just that bit too strong and he'll be back across the border like a flash - funnily enough, never to be seen again.

Portugal - Get in line behind Belgium, Miss Sousa.

Romania - Because the one drumming lad who's been left out of the stage show will be taken by a sudden jealous rage and start picking them off one by one. And don't get him started on the singer...

Russia - I know they've brought a couple of spares, but are they all even going to make it to next Saturday? Just don't slam any doors or make any sudden movements when they;re in the building...

San Marino - Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Serbia - A song the phrase "Doing an Agurbush" was invented for.

Slovakia - Because Ted Nugent and Soundgarden want their songs back.

Slovenia - Balkan buildo ballads are soooooo 2006!

Spain - No livestock in the arena, please.

Sweden - Because the grandmothers of Europe will all say, as one nan: "Ooh! Her hair could do with a bit of a brush!"

Switzerland - Anyone likely to vote for this will already be out at the indie rock disco, drinking cider and black, and getting off with the lonely goth they saw crying her jet black eyeliner away in the corner on their own last week. This of course will lead to dreadful self-esteem issues in later life.

Turkey - What in the name of bejaysus are you rattling on about, son?

Ukraine - Those trumpets make you mime, boys.

United Kingdom - The Hump doesn't do anything as tawdry as winning. He transcends all notions of competition and just exudes lordly god rays. And of course, it's all political, innit...


  1. Terrific! Particularly liked the Lithuania comment - so cruel :)

  2. Last year comments were funnier :)

  3. fantastic! love it! so much fun to read. you got me giggiling