There is a cello (there is a cello) (there is a cellooooooo...)

I've had an email from THE FUTURE, informing me of tonight's results. Having said that, it also informed me of the best place to buy cheap Viagra handbags online, so take it with the usual pinch of salt.

First up, apparently the bottom 6 are going to be UK, France, Hungary, Lithuania, Norway and Iceland in some order. Norway came as a little bit of a surprise, but I'm told he's going to miss half the notes so badly that it can't pass unnoticed.

The rest of the bottom half is going to include Albania, Cyprus, Estonia, Germany, Bosnia, Romania and Denmark. The latter two will be particularly disappointed with their result, but they're just swamped in a high octane part of the draw.

That leaves another three to finish outside the top 10, and that will be Malta, Moldova and Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan's 11th place will be a real shock to the system.

In 10th place, it'll be FYR Macedonia. Looking just at the votes from the Balkan region, it'll win. But as always with that country it won't travel.

9th place is lined up for Ireland. An excellent televote result all over will be tempered by a level of jury meh.

A safe 8th place is reserved for Turkey, apparently.

Greece will be 7th, just like every other year.

Spain will be delighted and disappointed with a 6th place finish, carried along on a wave of jury love.

Ukraine in 5th will put in a really solid show in televoting, but be dragged down a little by juries. This will annoy those of me who have backed them to finish in the top 4.

Serbia's lined up for Zeljko's traditional round-about 4th. He will be ever so pleased not to have lost to a Ukrainian woman who shouts "hey" many many times again.

Russia's a very respectable 3rd overall off a narrow televoting victory.

Italy's 2nd again - the jury winner by a narrower margin than last year bolstered by more televoting love than last year.

That leaves us with a compromise winner, and it's Sweden. Top 3 in both constituencies, taken over the line because so many music professionals around Europe know exactly what it's like to swallow a dollop of polystyrene snow when you're in the middle of singing a very lovely song, and will have sympathy. It's happened to us all, hasn't it?

I'm off now to buy an absolutely genuine Rolex for as little as £4.99. You can't argue with value like that! Enjoy the show, and don't forget to be irrationally angry about at least one of the results as that's three-quarters of the fun!