Monday, 14 May 2012

In a curious turn of events...

...Phil has just informed me via Social Network that Riigiametnik has been video-calling him with pictures of a local Azeri pear-flavoured beverage which looks like bottled snot. So I'm now going to be humming the phrase "Bottled snot, bottled bottled snot" to the tune of Leto Svet for the next hour while I try to catch up the day's events. This can't possibly end well.

Same rules as before. The official videos are my choice of reference material.

Starting with yesterday's Switzerland, who chose their song, singers and staging back in the early 1980s and are clearly hoping that it may come back into fashion in time for the contest. No idea. I don't follow fashion - that would be a joke. It's competent but they really do use the three phrases that payses a bit too often.

So the actual first of the day is Israel, whose song is called... hang on, let me check... "Time", apparently. I wish they'd make it a bit more obvious. Actually though... that's going straight on the shortlist to be the jury winner of this bit, and it might even do enough business with televoters to be the winner winner of this bit. Coherent and enjoyable, just like us.

San Marino. Well, yes. Apparently nobody was sensible enough to neuter the grubby but lovable mongrel that was German national final of 1998, and 14 years on the eggs have started to spawn bastard children (I may have failed Biology O-level back in the day). This really is 100% purebred pedigree crap, which should be crap enough to at least appeal to my sensibilities but doesn't even manage that. Valueless.

Cyprus. What's going on this year, it's turning into fecking Eurovision does Glee does Eurovision. Did they learn NOTHING from Getter Jaani??? They all look the same and they all ARE the same! Enough with the Gleenagers. No more Gleenagers. We require something else. ANYTHING else.

That was supposed to be a perfectly constructed segue into Russia. So damn Denmark to hell for spoiling it for me. Fabulously - awesomely - competent and she has a guitar and some other instruments and she takes her hat off, so must be on the shortlist to be the jury winner of this bit. Oh, and it starts exactly the same as Beautiful Song. I hadn't noticed that before. Umm, yeah, anyway.

As I was saying, Russia. It's.... gosh, how to phrase it without using the word "awful"? The only redeeming feature is that the grannies appear to be authentically charming, but just as a thought experiment, imagine this song being sung by Josh Dubovie. Yeah, exactly. It's charmingly hopeless, and it might well ineptly win the televoting in this bit and it might even charmingly sneak the televoting win in the second bit, but... it's rubbish.

Hungary, in spite of having a guitar on stage and a perfectly competent song performed competently by a competent band, has got accidental last written all over it, assuming that the deliberate attempts of San Marino and Montenegro to come last end up rising flat on them. I may translate that sentence into English at a later date.

Austria, after a false start last year where they sent something good, are back and deliberately trying to come last apparently. In my mind's eye, I see an audience of invited dignitaries in a half-full Baku Crystal Hall Just. Sitting. There. No boos, no whoo-whoos... just the awful silence which falls on the arena and never ends. Until the next postcard.

Moldova, merely by virtue of not making me want to commit acts of violence, actually looks refreshing and fun with a cheerful retro feel that it's hard to dislike. With this favourable a draw, do we have the accidental winner of this bit, perhaps???

Ireland to finish, and Jedward are underwhelmingly Jedward at this stage. I can pinpoint the exact second where this may just turn into a trainwreck on the night... there's a little slow bit where they stand in the water feature and sing Actual Notes while a big effect currently doesn't happen. Feel the rush... I can feel a moment that's aimed straight at their 15 second reprise and potentially every "EUROVISION OH DEAR" clips show for the next 25 years. In spite of this, it's a pretty obvious finalist in a semifinal where more than half the acts are clearly trying to come last in what must be some kind of insurance scam.

Semi 2 has just got to be better than this... I hope.

Bottled snot! Bottled bottled snot! Night night.


  1. Some thoughts of this day

    Israel-Love the song and hope it will do well as it deserves to.Not sure how everything will come up on tv but my fingers are cross for this one

    Denmark-Can she do Sweden 2010 and disappear after the semi.Wishful thinking, tough one can't give up hope

    Russia- Everyone is calling them endearing and charming.If it was Miss Universe contest, that would be a quality I would look for.But this is a song contest and there should be something of well.. a song in this.I looked for it, can't find anything remotely close to a song in this.

    Moldova - Quite charming in its own way, not to mention a song with rhythm and a lot of cheerfulness.

  2. Hahaha! Love the German Final 98 comparison! :-D