Friday, 3 May 2013

Why your favourite song isn't going to win Eurovision. Part 628.

Every year I highlight each of the season's Eurovision songs and come up with some hokey comedy reason why I think your favourite isn't going to win.

Well this year the job suddenly got a whole lot harder. Just a quick glance across the running order will prove that not a single one of them actually WANTS to win. Not one.

But despite all this I still gave it a go...

Albania - Because the second that guitar bloke gurns at the camera with his silly, slack hair, they're done for. I suggest  using a lot of smoke.

Armenia - I've seen the way that spud headed keyboard player looks at the pretty boy singer. He hates him. Hates him TO DEATH! All it will take is one, single, misplaced word... Excuse me, I have to make a call.

Austria - Can anyone remember how this actually goes? Even Natália can't. Clearly.

Azerbaijan - Because after seeing his gym pictures, if he even suggests that he's going to take his top off, the  resultant stampede will form a tsunami of lust, decimating all that gets in its path, including poor Farid.

Belarus - Because Nakatonkam, the made up language she sings some of the song in, is actually a cue for the aliens to attack! Klaatu barada nikto!

Belgium - To be absolutely honest, I'm not entirely sure that Robert knows what's going on. Ever. He's got the look of a reprogrammed kidnap victim who'll bolt the second he sees the big stage.

Bulgaria - Well it didn't win the last time they sang it!

Croatia - Waiter! Six beers and a nice plate of cheese, please...

Cyprus - We're repossessing this song on behalf of your creditors. If you don't surrender your property readily, we will have to take it with force.

Denmark - How many times will she be able to say "How many times" before the world implodes into a temporal time loop?

Estonia - Beware, Birgit. I see fur-faced men lurking in the wings.

Finland - If anyone knows any just cause or impediment why this song shouldn't be performed on a Eurovision stage, speak now or forever hold your peace. One at a time, please.

France - I can't think of anything funny to say about this song. It just won't.

Georgia - Hang about... didn't this win two years ago?

Germany - Because 90s techno wants its breakdown back.

Greece - Because one should never take advice from your own song title before going on stage.

Hungary - Mum: "Is he singing? I can't quite hear him." Dad: "Shall I put the kettle on, dear?" Mum: "Lovely!"

Ireland - Shhh, don't tell him that Denmark already played this nine songs ago.

Iceland - I thought Justin Lee Collins had been banned from our tellies following his little indiscretion?

Israel - Well, at least I've got somewhere to park my bike...

Italy - Because he's too handsome to actually see.

Latvia - ...and there you went.

Lithuania - "I'm sorry sir, the stage is for artists only. No seriously... Sir. Sir! Security! Take this fantasist away. He says he's one of the singers!"

Macedonia - Realising that they were actually going to win with their original song, they hastily swapped it for a pure no hoper. Good work!

Malta - Because item 284 of the Rules of Acquisition clearly state: "Deep down, everyone's a Ferengi." Just not that deep in Gianluca's case.

Moldova - Because you don't rip off an Azerbaijani and get away with it!

Montenegro - Come on, when did anything thing this contemporary - and good - ever come in the top 20?

Netherlands - Make sure you hide all sharp objects, neck ties and belts before this song begins. Hello? HELLO? Dammit, I forgot to mention the shoelaces.

Norway - That's alright, dear, I've already eaten.

Romania - Because the moment he hits that first countertenor high note, every dog in Europe will turn on its
owner in blind, ear-bursting panic.

Russia - Because doesn't the sweet-faced ballad girl always come third?

San Marino - So which of these two songs are we voting on, exactly?

Serbia - OK, so we know that there's a devil and angel... but what does the gold one mean? So many questions, so few votes.

Slovenia - So which of these four songs are we voting on, exactly?

Spain - Because this sweet but unmemorable effort would struggle to finish in the top three of a two song contest.

Sweden - Suddenly, as one being, the international jury from the MF final smirk behind their hands, whispering "Gotcha!" under their breath.

Switzerland - Because before they take the stage, the first 15 rows will have torn them limb from limb on account of their religious affiliations. Atheism in action.

Ukraine - Because it sounds like the entire cast of The Lion King falling down the stairs.

United Kingdom - Oh bless her. She doesn't know, does she...